As children, we develop beliefs, values, and morals, from our parents. The majority of people I know grew up with some sort of religious structure within their families…whether it be Catholic, Christian, Buddhism, whatever.
My childhood was much different…
I can remember the exact night, and can still go back to that moment in my childhood. I’d heard “ask and ye shall receive” at Sunday school and remember going home one night and praying desperately, with tears streaming down my face, for God to get me ‘the fuck’ out of that house. This went on for quite a few weeks until one night I finally gave up and accepted the fact that God’s not coming.
Unfortunately for us, we’d gone from one extreme to another – without the proper guidance to process the hurt, pain, and trauma we’d endured in “that house”. So, we fell in with the wrong crowds, started drinking, and doing a lot of drugs to drown out the pain. The years that followed were kind of a blur, so….
Jump to my later high school years…
As I write this, I’m realizing that this was the beginning of my journey towards spirituality, versus my previous Christian beliefs.
*For anyone in AA/NA and/or currently struggling with addiction I do not recommend trying this! This information should absolutely be left here, and not followed in your own journey to recovery.
Watch The Social Dilemma on Netflix. (After watching this I took a year off of social media personally. I’m in marketing, however, so I still had to work in social media).
As an entrepreneur, you either have a big ego here or you don’t fucking belong. The go and go and keep leveling up mentality being fueled by motivational speakers like Eric Thomas…”rise and grind” or “don’t sleep, keep working” quickly leads to burnout. I love ET, I think his story is amazing and he’s also a Christian, but maybe I took his preaching too literally to fuel my journey as a business owner.
But as an entrepreneur I began to understand the “big business” behind organized religions.
For example, the Vatican is estimated to be worth somewhere between $10-15 billion.
And yes, they do a lot of amazing things for the world through charities (this is a really good thing about Catholicism), but that’s still more money than some countries are worth. I believe that they could do a lot more good with that money…solving real world problems like poverty, hunger, homelessness, hell, they could cure cancer with that.
Oh, and during the presidential election a few years back…they don’t believe in a border wall, but we need our walls to keep the peasants out? This just sounds conflicting to me.
How can you judge someone (or something) and then turn around and do the complete opposite?
This is now ingrained in my brain as an entrepreneur – as I continue to follow mentors, seek answers, learn and grow.
…hiding cash in the walls of his church, living a lifestyle of luxury, not opening his doors to hurricane victims.
Don’t you preach that God is giving you money to help others? Isn’t that what the churches are for…to help the people? And why are you hiding money in the walls of your church?
And Scientology…a cult run by an aggressive, power hungry, manipulative leader seeking control over others.
Look I’m not trying to bash anybody here, just using my brain and actually thinking…rather than blindly trusting and drinking the Kool-Aid.
“Do as I say, not as I do” has never sat well with me.
Control, manipulation, “do as I say, not as I do”, all sound very familiar to me…
…control was the overall goal for my childhood caretakers. They led with anger, aggression, narcissistic manipulation and control through a horribly executed Christian lifestyle. And as a kid I promised myself I’d never turn out like this.
But over the years of entrepreneurship and the struggles that come with it, combined with me not taking care of myself, left me with more questions than answers. Was I subconsciously turning into them? Reverting back to what I was ingrained as a child? Was control and anger starting to run my life? Fuck, how do I fix this?
I started to seriously consider my life choices and explore what I really wanted in life. I knew what I had wasn’t it, and was leading me down a path of more anger, frustration, grief and loss.
So what did I do? I started to let go. I started reverting back to the acceptance I learned from my time around 12 step programs. Which meant to start “letting go” and stop trying to “control”. And the more I let go of control, the more “in control” I became. It’s very weird and you probably won’t be able to understanding unless you’ve felt it as well.
There’s a book called The Soul Sourced Entrepreneur by Christine Kane, which states that one of the key components in entrepreneurship is “power to…not power over”.
Which means to me…power to [INSERT_WHATEVER_HERE], not control over.
Power to create. Power to explore. Power to build. Power to be kind and help others. Had I been holding on to control so desperately in life that I’d lost the power to? What was the driving force turning me into the people that continued haunting my nightmares? And how can I fix it?
How do I learn and work and grow and evolve away from this as fast as possible? For me it took the weight of the world crashing down in an enormous amount of pain…pulling me to the center of the earth with 1000 times more force than gravity, and leaving me feeling like my brain was physically being ripped apart. It was a combination of burnout, anxiety, depression, grief and loss of loved ones.
They say diamonds form under enormous amounts of pressure. Well, shit does as well. You see the intestines…nah, just kidding!
This is when finding the right therapist helped me silence the noise and sift through the wreckage of religion based in fear, along with all the pain, grief and suffering I was dealing with. Once I began to work through the anger, all the hurt, all the pain, disappointment, frustration, sadness, loss and loneliness inside I was able to find clarity and begin rebuilding. But I needed healthier knowledge this time. So I better learn the differences between healthy and unhealthy first.
Understanding toxic versus non-toxic behavior helped me sift through the past, become more aware of the present, identify my own toxic behaviors, distance or remove myself from toxic people in my life, and start to create a new set of rules, values, and beliefs to follow. I pulled things from Christianity, my time in AA and NA, books, YouTube, and various other religions.
Do I Really Need A Label?
I believe labels are limiting, and confine you into a box that you might not fit in…very similar to religion. And many religions encourage you to go out and spread the word, or prey on the suffering to get them to convert (sadly, I experienced a lot of this when I was struggling). This might work for some, but it just doesn’t work for me. And I already knew the answers for me were not in one organized religion.
So how do I define my beliefs, morals, values and religion? For me – however I want to define it.
#MYDIC 👈 inside joke amongst some really great friends. The hashtag really doesn’t exist….but we could start a movement 🤷♂️
It means finding what works for me and what doesn’t. Using my brain. Being open-minded to the information I choose to consume, all the people I meet and the places I visit, the foods I taste, and the cultures I experience. Exploring all things.
This includes religion. Exploring and studying ideology from different religions, taking what I need as I explore, and leaving behind ideas that no longer worked for me. Having the knowledge and clarity to make the decision for myself of what’s healthy and unhealthy for my life. Being more self-aware. Keeping in tune with my health and well-being, listening to my body, and being mindful of my thoughts.
Or being a “good dude” as one of my great friends would always say.
Treating all people with kindness and respect, but also taking care of myself and having enough respect for myself to know when to fight and when to humbly walk away. Being a better man. Practicing humility and gratitude. Helping others personally and professionally (I’m a male escort, so…just kidding).
Adding value to my life, to the people in my life, and to world around me.
There’s a great book I read called Find Your Why by Simon Sinek. This book helped me shift my focus to a more “value added” mindset.
How do I add value to my life and the lives of the people around me? I don’t want to be the smartest man in the room, but I sure as hell better add value to that room. Otherwise, I’m in the wrong room.
We’re all connected in some way. We’re all put in each other’s lives for a reason. There’s a lesson to teach and be learned from each and every person we interact with. Why not just be a good dude (or woman) to everyone you know? You’re not going to agree on everything, or get along with everyone, and that’s okay.
Enter Stoicism…
I first discovered Stoicism through Ryan Holiday and his YouTube channel the Daily Stoic. I watched a few videos, and kept hearing about the book Meditations by Marcus Aurelius.
A few days later I met a friend for coffee at a local bookstore. We spent a lot of time talking, learning from each other, and bouncing ideas off one another for life and business. And then, as usual, we started talking about the books we were reading, and what books we were looking for that day.
He told me about a journal his friend recommended, and I asked him if he’d ever heard about Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (which I still haven’t gotten in the mail by the way). “Oh yeah, that book is great man” was something along the lines of his response. He then told me a little about Stoicism and about this newsletter he’s subscribed to that delivers daily stoic meditations to your inbox, which just so happened to be delivered from…. Ryan Holiday. Okay, time to add this book to my growing library.
After our meeting, I dove deeper into Stoicism and realized more and more how this aligned with what I had been thinking and creating for myself. The philosophical mindset, beliefs, values, and morals seemed to fit really well with the direction of my personal growth.
Stoicism comes from Greek and Roman philosophers, and in its simplest form, teaches how to focus on what you can control and let go of what’s outside of your control. To better manage your time, energy, and focus. To put in the work and take action. To always prepare – anticipate and even plan for the worst possible outcome. To be honest with yourself and make difficult changes in your life as you strive to become a better human being.
“You’re becoming who you are going to be, so you might as well not be an asshole”
Cheryl Strayed
This is exactly what I’d been thinking! When I became truly honest with myself, I’d realized I was becoming a bitter, angry asshole. And that’s not who I wanted to be at all. So what do I need to do to change this? What’s in my control to change? And what’s out of my control?
Asking these difficult questions, and having the willingness to take action when I found answers. As a result of doing this difficult work, I became more observant…in my life, in my habits, beliefs, and in interactions with others. To think more and talk less.
For me, stoicism was part of the path to becoming less of an asshole and more accepting of others – hey man if you want to drive a Ferrari, and teach Christianity, go for it.
It’s not in my control, so I don’t have to worry about it. What’s in my control is a choice – does this work for me, in my life?
This concept alone was extremely helpful for me with managing stress, anxiety, and depression. It also helped me focus more on the things that matter in my life, and be able to tune out the noise….or the shit that really doesn’t matter.
It taught me to have higher expectations for myself and hold myself accountable. To talk less and do more. It’s led me to more consistency in my life, habits and daily routines. I’ve been able to pursue a happier, healthier lifestyle…both physically and mentally.
In the same conversation with my friend that day he brought up New Year’s Resolutions. He had some great goals to share with me, and then he asked “what about you man, what are your Resolutions?”
My response was simple…
I don’t have New Year’s Resolutions, I only have one word in mind this year…consistency. More specifically, consistency in all things I’m currently practicing.
That’s what I’m seeking and that’s what I’m focused on….in my daily life, health, wellness, and business. Consistency is something I’ve never really had growing up, so I didn’t know what it looked like, or how to incorporate it into my life as an adult. Learning and following a more stoic approach has helped me improve my consistency – by holding myself accountable to a higher standard.
And religion, probably if taught properly, could help with consistency as well. But for me there are too many limiting factors and beliefs in all religions. Jim Kwik has a great book called Limitless, where he talks about “limiting beliefs” and understanding that things learned in the past, through parents, religion, schools, work, relationships, etc could actually be controlling and limiting your abilities in life.
Adam Young (Christian and Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a unique approach to therapy) has a great podcast called The Place We Find Ourselves. In one episode specifically, he talks about the Vows, Curses and Agreements (aka limiting beliefs) that are instilled in us from our parents. These are beliefs, morals, values, or any lack thereof, passed down through generations of our family tree. He talks about how it’s up to us, as adults, to become aware of these things and break our generational curses.
So we can live happier, healthier lives for ourselves and not pass on these generational curses to our children.
Live a happier, healthier life…this is my main goal in life. And I don’t have to put a label on myself, my values, morals or beliefs. I don’t need to confine myself to a box of organized religion. I can ask questions and seek answers/guidance through books, philosophy, psychology and various religions.
Stoicism teaches that questions are the answer
I have a thirst for knowledge and enjoy learning, exploring different ideas, and using my brain. Especially when it comes to ideas I don’t agree with…this is the area where the most growth can occur.
And probably one of my favorite sayings is “take what you need and leave the rest”. That’s it. That’s how I choose to live my life. I don’t push my beliefs, but will gladly share my knowledge. If it works and is helpful to you, great! If not, that’s okay too….don’t stop here, keep seeking your own answers!
I decided to be creative and build a belief system for myself – one that works for my life. And the more I learn, the more this will continue to grow and evolve. There’s an insane amount of freedom and relief for me in this approach. Now, if my goal was to be an asshole, and treat people shitty, then yes this might not be the right approach. But with the right intentions and the right goal in mind, this is extremely powerful for me.
I’ve learned to be more open-minded and not so easily offended when someone disagrees. And if I disagree with you, it doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it just means we think differently…and that’s okay.
Life is your gift, so it’s your choice how you want to use it.
I choose to decide what’s right and wrong in my life – rather than blindly buying into and organized religion, or other’s agenda. And it’s no longer about trying to persuade or win an argument. It’s about receiving knowledge…
What can I learn from you?
And sharing knowledge…
What can I teach you or help you with?
Take what I give, not as the answer, but as something for you to explore and see if it works in your life. This starts from a place of respect, empathy, and open-mindedness. And requires understanding and healthy communication.
I hope you found this article helpful in navigating your religion, beliefs, morals, values, etc, and has provided value along with sparking an interest to explore in your life. As always, take what you need, that which truly helps you, and leave the rest.
Until we meet again… ✌️
