Narcissism. This is a topic that I’ve been avoiding writing about for quite some time. It’s a topic that hits very close to home for me. And I guess I’ve been avoiding the topic because I need to show a more vulnerable side of me in order to write about it. But I’ve noticed over the past few weeks that not writing about this has created a writer’s block for me on many other topics. And I really enjoy writing, and have so much more to write about…so fuck it, here goes.
The writing itself is easy. These words flowed freely from my brain to my written journal (an now typed here)…more freely than any other topic I’ve written about so far. It was the decision I struggled with, not the content.
And here’s why:
I’d talk about narcissism with a few close confidants, but sometimes I’d see that I was causing questions and confusion in their own lives…leading back to the term “narcissist” being used too liberally in today’s society (more on this below). And the last thing I wanted to do for these people was to create confusion in their lives. And since you’re reading this, that’s the last thing I want to do for your life. No, instead I want to provide information and clarity on the topic of narcissism – what it actually means, red flags to look out for, and how you can better manage dealing with possible narcissists in your life.
So before you continue, I have a few things for you to consider:
1. Take what you need from this article and leave the rest. I’m not an expert, but I have been through some shit. And I didn’t come up with this information, I just spent a lot of time researching it over the past few years.
2. Please do not read this and immediately start labeling people in your life as narcissistic. If you question yourself or anyone else as being narcissistic, please do more research. I’ve included a ton of links throughout this article and additional resources at the end, should you wish to learn more about narcissism.
3. If any of this information resonates with you I strongly encourage you to seek more knowledge on the topic. And possibly professional help from a licensed therapist who specializes in narcissistic personality disorder.
4. Once you see it, it cannot be unseen. So before you continue, I want you to strongly consider whether or not you are ready to see narcissism in your life, relationships, family, friends, work, etc. Continue ONLY if you’re ready to take a serious look at your life and your relationships.
Unfortunately I’ve dealt with quite a few narcissists in my life. And I have to admit at times in my life I’ve acted pretty narcissistic myself. But I never knew the term, what it meant, or that narcissists actually existed. Until I started asking more questions in life and seeking my own answers.
I’m going to cover narcissism in general, but there are many different types of narcissism. And psychologists continue to come up with more categorizations, including: covert narcissism, classic narcissism, seductive narcissism, vulnerable narcissism, grandiose narcissism, malignant narcissism, and vindictive narcissism.
Narcissism is a spectrum, and we all fit in at some part of the scale. And at times we can all act a little more narcissistic than our normal personalities. We get a little cocky, arrogant, or egotistical. But it’s kind of outside of our nature. And for me, this is when karma sweeps in to swiftly put me back in my place.
True narcissism is a mental health disorder, where a person is stuck at the higher end of the spectrum. I’ll get into more details below, but let’s start by understanding the scale of narcissism.
The lower end of the narcissism scale would be someone who has no boundaries, and always puts others before themselves while disregarding their own personal health and well-being. This type of person is highly empathetic (showing an ability to understand and share the feelings of another person) and tends to connect with people on a more emotional level. I was programmed from young age to operate at this end of the spectrum. And after learning this about myself, I also learned that I can be a strong magnet to attract narcissists. I can be the perfect cocktail of empathy, compassion, little or no boundaries and service to others that narcissists seek out for their supply. Yeah, I’m working on it…
Then there’s the middle of the scale. The individual, where optimal mental health exists. Confident, but not arrogant or egotistical. Helpful to others, without sacrificing their own mental health or well-being. This is where I’m striving to be on the scale, and while I’ll never fully hit the mark, my goal is to exist somewhere close to the middle for the remainder of my life.
The higher end of the narcissism scale is NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That is mainly what I’ll be covering here. Because it’s the people at this end of the scale that I’ve personally had the most experience with in my life….sadly. But fortunately now I’m aware of it, can be more confident about deciding who are good people for my life and can protect myself from narcissistic personalities in the future.
Individuals on the higher end of the scale are extremely self-absorbed, lack empathy for others, and cannot handle any type of emotional situation with other people. They are solely focused on their needs and their emotions. And with their self-absorption and extreme confidence in only themselves, they have the inability to recognize the needs and feelings of others.
You need confidence in your skills and abilities in order to be good at anything, whether it be sports, playing an instrument, performing your daily job, creating any form of art, or even just talking to people.
Narcissists take confidence to an extreme and don’t believe in anything or anyone but themselves. And when they screw up, they blame others. Typically this comes in the form of changing the narrative and creating their own story to shift the blame and focus away from themselves and on to someone (or something) else.
“But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
The slightest criticism typically sends a narcissist into a spiral of anger, bitterness and aggression. It’s never their fault. So rather than saying, “you know what, I fucked up and I’m sorry” they need to somehow justify their actions. It’s because of you, or X,Y, & Z that they did what they did. Because accepting any sort of criticism or fault would be extremely damaging to their fragile ego and sense of “higher self”. They need to maintain a perfect appearance.
They can never hold themselves accountable and instead it’s everyone else’s fault. They don’t need to get better. They were born perfect. It’s everyone else who has problems or issues. And if everyone else would just get in line, their lives (the narcissist) would be so much better.
So while narcissists despise everyone else, sadly they need other people in their lives for narcissistic supply. They need to cut the heads off others to boost themselves up and make themselves feel better.
“Narcissistic supply is a form of psychological addiction and dependency, where the narcissist requires (demands) constant importance, “special treatment,” validation, and/or appeasement in order to feel good about him or herself. This insatiable craving to be “put on a pedestal” explains to a large extent the narcissist’s sense of conceit, entitlement, and self-absorption.”
Narcissists love being the center of attention – not always publicly, but definitely in their private circles. They need the focus on them and despise anyone who “steals their spotlight”. So they are constantly striving and competing with everyone else in their lives (friends, family members, and partners) to get the attention they so desperately need.
And attention comes in many forms for them. It’s other people catering to them and supporting them. It’s others giving them praise, validation and special treatment. And when they don’t get what they want from a person, they are quick to discard that person from their lives. Because, put simply, they no longer need that person.
There is no such thing as a “healthy relationship” with a narcissist. Because, sadly, narcissists are incapable of simple human characteristics like empathy, compassion, and emotional intelligence. To them, you’re only valuable when you do what they say, be who they want you to be, act like they want you to act and do what they want you to do.
With a narcissist, you’ll never be able to be yourself. Instead, you’ll be constantly changing your habits, your behaviors, filtering what you say and do, and giving up other relationships (with friends and family) until you feel like you have nothing left inside for yourself. And sadly, this is when you will be discarded for a “new and improved version”.
And in a romantic relationship, they’ll use the guise of “compromise” to continually make you feel guilty, keep you confused, and constantly get you to disregard your own needs to supply theirs.
Common tactics a narcissist will use to “get you in line” through manipulation are gaslighting, ultimatums, blame, guilt and shame. Remember from earlier, they have to control the narrative and are obsessed with controlling others. They are also obsessed with their own appearance and how others view them. They can’t take any negative criticism or feedback. So they need to make others look bad to boost their own appearance.
Common manipulation and gaslighting phrases you’ll hear from narcissists include:
“The problem isn’t me, it’s you”
“You shouldn’t care about [INSERT_ANYTHING_OTHER_THAN_THE_NARCISSIST]”
“You shouldn’t feel that way”
“I do this because of you…”
“They (specifically your friends and family) don’t care about you”
“Yeah, but they don’t love you like I do”
“Do this or we’ll (break up, go somewhere else, stop talking to one another, no longer be friends, etc)”
“You’ll never see [INSERT_PERSON_HERE] again”
“A gaslighter’s actions may not cause harm initially. Over time, however, this continued abusive behavior can make the victim feel confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed”
Narcissists will say these things to create a reaction from you. They need that emotional reaction, that turmoil, the chaos inside of you. They feed off of it, so they can make you feel inferior to them and use it to further manipulate you. They are emotional vampires sucking the life out of you for their own personal gain.
True narcissists don’t become better individuals. They don’t learn and grow…they simply get better at their craft. Sadly, the percentage of people who have narcissistic personality disorder and actually change (recover and become a better person) is extremely low (something like 5% or less). So pursuing a healthy relationship with a narcissist is virtually impossible.
“The best way to protect yourself from narcissistic behavior is to educate yourself — learn to identify their manipulation tactics, so you can steer clear or get out of their grasp.”
Not everyone is a narcissist
When I first learned about narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder I saw everyone as a narcissist, including myself! It was at a time when I was trying to get my mind back, trying to regain control of my thoughts and decisions, relearning up from down. So, at that time in my life, I was questioning not only myself but everyone else around me. Is everyone just trying to manipulate me and take advantage of me for their own personal gain? It’s a question I struggled with for a good 3, maybe 4 months.
During this time I had to isolate myself from everyone (friends and family) in my life. I needed to cut out all external distractions and influences, while I worked with a therapist to sift through the wreckage of dealing with narcissists my entire life. That meant also evaluating all of the current relationships in my life, and learning to make clear decisions for myself. It meant educating myself on narcissism, and learning as much information as possible so that I could not only identify narcissism, but also protect myself from it.
Educating yourself on narcissism is the best way to gain a better understanding of what it really means to be narcissistic, and to help you clearly identify narcissistic people in your life. And it’s really important that you not abuse the term narcissism or narcissist but utilize information you find to make clear and accurate determinations for yourself.
So in these instances, where it was much harder to make that determination, I used the red flags and all the information my therapist provided, to listen and observe in order to determine whether or not these individuals were truly narcissistic. And once I was able to accurately make these determinations, with the help of my therapist, I was able to take the necessary steps/actions needed to protect myself from these people.
Here are some red flags and behaviors to look out for:
Hot and cold treatment
Passive aggressiveness
You cannot disagree with them
They're constantly keeping score
And will use this to control/manipulate you when they want something
Stings attached to everything
Trying to separate you...
Constant blame, guilt, and shame
Ultimatums
They'll say one thing, then deny it later
Flying monkeys
Feeling like you're losing your mind
This feels wrong, or this feels off
Never ignore your gut feelings or intuition. Your intuition is a natural force in your body that can detect bad things way before your brain can comprehend them.
So what’s the best way to deal with a narcissistic person?
From my experience, and with the advice of therapists, there’s a tactic called the Grey Rock Method. If you suspect you’re dealing with a narcissist in your life you should absolutely read the article linked here to help you better understand what the Grey Rock Method is and how to effectively utilize it.
My simple explanation is that you become uninteresting. You become unreactive to whatever they say or do. You cut out all emotions in front of them, all facial expressions, practice a blank stare, and essentially become unresponsive to them. Narcissists absolutely hate this, because again they are pushing you to internal chaos and turmoil, and seeking your emotional reaction to feed their narcissistic supply. They are manipulating your mind and using your emotions against you. So you have to remain calm, and unemotional in front of them.
But oftentimes, given the current situation, it’s extremely difficult to stay calm or be unemotional. Especially when dealing with someone you care about deeply. So in this instance, the best possible thing you can do for yourself is create distance from that person and find a safe environment to help you gather your thoughts and regain control of your mind.
In some cases the narcissist is so close to you (mother, father, sibling, significant other, etc) that distance is not an immediate option. So in this event, you need to seek the help and guidance of a licensed professional (therapist that specializes in narcissistic personality disorder) to help you regain control of your thoughts and provide you with the proper tools and resources to continue dealing with this narcissistic person until you are able to distance yourself from this person.
Nowadays the term “narcissist” is thrown around way too liberally. And I personally remember a time when a friend’s wife called me a narcissist. We were all joking and laughing together, so at the time I just took it as a joke and brushed it off. I had no idea what that meant, nor did I have any of the information I have today regarding narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder.
So when I first learned about narcissism from my therapist, my mind flashed back to this moment in my history, and the first question I asked was “Am I a narcissist, and if so, how do I fix it?” We spent some time exploring this, but it was quickly discounted by my therapist. But not so easily discounted by myself.
I’ll admit I did spend a lot of my free time exploring this question about myself and seeking more knowledge and information in order to make that determination for myself. But it’s a question I had to ask myself, and be brutally honest with myself…at a time in my life when I required brutal honesty.
Once you see something, it cannot be unseen…
…especially when it comes to narcissism. Once you learn about it and have the knowledge and resources to identify it, you cannot unsee it in the people who are narcissistic in your life.
Narcissism is a topic I spent months exploring with my therapist, and countless hours of personal time researching and reading about. Because I was raised by narcissistic parents as a young child, unfortunately it was ingrained in my early development to the point where it felt “normal” and even “comfortable” to be around narcissistic people.
Once I realized my core programming was faulty, I had to spend a lot of time reprogramming myself. And you may or may not be in a similar situation. But this is why it’s so important to engage in your childhood story (what happened to you as a child, how were you raised, what did your parents teach you that may be faulty, etc) to properly reprogram your thinking. But that’s a whole other topic.
Specific to narcissism, I’ll leave some additional resources and materials below to help you gain more knowledge and empower yourself. But again, once you see something, you cannot un-see it. So if you’re going to venture down the rabbit hole, like I did, be prepared for making some serious changes in your life. And get the proper help you need (licensed therapist) to engage with your story, meet you with empathy and compassion, guide you through proper decision-making and help you make the necessary changes in your life to prevent narcissism from destroying you…because yes, it can literally destroy you.
